Sensible parental advice? Or just rot?
desigirl | April 10, 2008I read this article in one of the blogs I frequent and it touched a chord in me. Mainly because I had aired the same view a few times in the past. It has got to do with parents needing to lead a life of their own, without letting their children be the “be all and end all” of everything. Or being “selfish”, as the author of the post,
What do you think of that? I feel like agreeing with the point the author’s trying to make. Granted, we are all in the early stages of parenthood, with our children still in / barely out of nappies and just beginning to take small steps into becoming articulate children. Why would we want to draw away and take a few steps backwards, just when things are beginning to get interesting, just because we would be lonely and by ourselves in our dotage?
And isn’t it the point of having children? So that we could lavish love and affection on them? Isn’t it counter productive to hold yourself back and deny yourself the joy you get out of loving them completely and utterly?
Or is that the road that leads to stifling them later on? ‘Coz whether we foresee or not, our attempts to instill a bit of independence in our children invariably means that they will learn to function without us pretty soon. After all, they have to go into the big, bad world and stand on their own two feet and they cannot do that well, if they are still looking at us to steer them forwards, right?
So when do we start preparing ourselves for that eventual day, when our chicks are ready to fly the roost, as they must? Do we ignore it and face it when it comes or be prepared for it and have Plan B sorted and ready?
I have to come straight out and admit that I try to baby my son as much as possible. I adore him totally and though he is just 6, catch myself thinking “oh no, in another 11-12 years, he’d finish school, start college and move out”. What a ninny, right? I mean, whenever my husband warns me to let him be, I grandly tell him that when the time comes, I will let him go but till then, I shall hold him to me, as long as possible.
But does it work that way? I mean, can you spend the best part of 20 years living and breathing for this person you give birth to and then just step back smoothly?
I have often felt that that is the mistake most Indian mums make and which is the root cause of most MIL-DIL related issues. The mothers, especially of boys, pour so much of themselves into rearing their sons that they are unable to let go, causing untold friction after the son gets married. With a daughter, they are mentally prepared from the outset that she will leave their house to go to her marital home someday so it doesn’t hamper their love. But with a son, who is going to “be with them forever”, the expectations are entirely different. Unwilling to let go of the umbilical cord even after the son reaches adulthood is the main cause for misery.
One way to avoid this is for the parents to actually have a life on their own. To go out for movies, dinners and having friends away from the children’s life, without the children constantly in the picture, so they don’t lose the idea of imagining the pair of them as a couple in their own right, not just as parents of their children. This way, the parents can make sure that they do not become strangers to one another when the children are out, making their own way in the world and can actually connect and have a jolly good time with each other.
In all the years we have been living in the UK, my husband and I have rarely gone out without our son. We have refused to leave him with babysitters, while we go out for night out on the tiles. The first time we went out for lunch by ourselves, in a long time, was last year, when our son was away at a classmate’s birthday party. We sat facing each other, without our usual buffer, wondering what to say to each other. We found ourselves talking about our son, what he might be up to and then going gradually silent. Though we have found ourselves being irritated by our son constantly interrupting us when we try to say something to the other, words didn’t come so easily when he wasn’t interrupting us every five seconds!
I see this with my own parents who have grown so out of touch with each other, that they hardly know what to say to each other for more than a few minutes. Ever since my brother left for his studies abroad, the house has been resounding with the silence and it is heartbreaking to see them pottering about in their own different shells. My dad has built a life for himself, with his work and hobbies, whilst my mum seems to be floundering away on her own, living from one weekly phone call to another, going crazy over her dogs.
I think that is a ghastly sort of fate to condemn oneself to and a thankless prize for having raised your children and sent them off into the world.
Which is why, I say - to you and to myself - , yes, love your precious children but not so that you cannot set them - or yourselves - free.
“If you love something, set it free…”
– ancient Chinese proverb.
Hmm some tough decisions there; From a social perspective, I
apu | April 11, 2008 | 3:35 amHmm some tough decisions there; From a social perspective, I think, till about 2 generations ago, the basic unit of family was seen as “man, father and mother”, ie. once the male child reached adulthood. Think ‘Kunti and the Pancha Pandavas’ - Draupadi enters “their” unit. The DIL was a new additional to “the family”. It is only in the last generation that we’re getting used to the idea that married man + married woman = new, distinct entity. And there may be cases when the married couple think this way, but the parents still think of the son as “theirs”, naturally enough Conflict! I suspect it will take us a couple of generations more to resolve this.
Well, if our generation at least starts taking note of this, then we can avoid much heartache later, I feel. I mean, if the parents voluntarily step back once the child turns, say, 21, then the whole nonsense of “ooh he has become henpecked!” will not surface once the son gets married and he pays heed to his wife’s wishes. Why put your son through shit and make him “choose” between mum / sis and wife?
Hi DG Its a tough call really!! Hubby and I constantly
Bangaloremom | April 11, 2008 | 6:24 amHi DG
Its a tough call really!! Hubby and I constantly tell ourselves we need to get out there and do something with ourselves which does not involve kuttan. But then, living in a city away from any immediate family, how do you do it? My son already goes to a daycare all day. Would I want to leave him with a maid in the evenings as well just so that hubby and I could go out? And even if we did, what would we do? Spend half the night worrying about what he is upto? I guess the only thing to do is to learn to age gracefully and try to change with time. I guess you should always have it in your mind that all this crazy running around and juggling is only temporary and that there WILL be a time when the nest is empty. And when the time comes, let go gracefully. Dont know hpw I’ll be able to though!!
I understand what you say totally as I am in the same position as well. whenever my hubby cautions me to not go overboard where my son is concerned, I tell him to shush as he will stop being just mine soon enough and things will change then anyways. But, my question is, can a parent be prepared enough for the children to leave the roost? One of my colleagues used to say, “When my children get married, their spouse and children become their families and I have to take a step back - that is how it is” - this from a widowed mum! I keep thinking I shld have the courage to step back when time comes!
Was thinking about the topic same since morning today. I
Lively | April 11, 2008 | 8:47 amWas thinking about the topic same since morning today. I just loved the last line, so true and meaningful. Times are changing and people are becoming individualistic and demand on having their own identity rather than being noted as so-and-so ’s daughter or son or wife or DIL. And I guess it is becoming very difficult for theolder generation to understand what is happening, or even if they do they term it as wrong and say that we are losing values and morals etc. Whereas they are actually reluctant of change. All we need is a little flexibility on either part to let the life flow smoothly and devoid of heartaches. This is truly something that needs some serious thought by everyone involved. And I think everyone living is involved.
Well... will you talk to my parents?? Please pretty please.....
Lively | April 11, 2008 | 11:37 amWell… will you talk to my parents?? Please pretty please…..
I’m already going to be outlawed by the outlaws and you want me to take on your parents too? Have a heart!
i'm going to disagree sweetheart. we have a life -
the mad momma | April 11, 2008 | 3:25 pmi’m going to disagree sweetheart. we have a life - the OA and I - but we dont have a life because we’re safeguarding against future heart break. we do it because we really enjoy it. and if for a few months we dont end up going out or doing stuff - that is fine.
I believe we do have lives. For example - You and I are a teeny bit of each other’s lives away from our children and spouses. Your education. My freelance work. There is plenty. And I dont think its driven by fear of an empty nest. I think its driven by interest. We’re just bright (ahem!) women and we do this naturally.
As for the kids - we have them for so short a while. With all the frustrations and joys that come with the parenting gig. I know a time will come when we will have to wean ourselves. But I dont think this is it. And yeah - when it does come - I dont think all the jobs on earth can fill that baby shaped hole. its a farce. my mother is a businesswoman. she has her blackberry and laptop and second cellphone on at all times. and yet - she aches for us and feels the void…
Aha! I expected you to disagree!! I hear you and I know I’d rather live totally involved in my children’s lives now and then cherish the memories of it all later, when they are elsewhere making their own way forwards, rather than safeguarding my heart against future heartache by barricading myself against them. But, it is a tough call, isn’t it? Damn, this parenting lark gets tougher and tougher or what?
excellent post! I think, like with everything else, it is
kodi's mom | April 11, 2008 | 4:03 pmexcellent post! I think, like with everything else, it is a balancing act. you give them the independance when you see them naturally seeking it, but dont push them too hard to hold them too close. so easy to write, so hard to practise. and yes, I am absolutely guilty of holding too tight, especially now.
my husband will love this post - esp the ‘umbilical cord’ line. god knows how many times he’s used it on me! (”cut the damn cord, dammit!”)
Ha ha! Isn’t that typical hubby-speak? But know what, I think they need to be like that, constantly telling us to let go even when we cling tighter. Coz when the time comes, that is what is going to help us move on and not be totally broken up over our babies who have all become young men and women in their own right.
What say you?
I have none of my four kids at home now:
dipali | April 11, 2008 | 5:20 pmI have none of my four kids at home now: in fact my youngest left home for boarding school four years younger than any of his siblings. You have to let them go, you cannot make it harder for them when they leave the safety and comfort of the nest. And without one’s own interests, I can see parents, very often mothers, but sometimes fathers too, giving in to sentimentality.
But the day a child leaves home after spending some time there, whether it be the first departure or after a vacation, that’s the day home is unbearable.
It generally helps to be a tough cookie: enjoy your kids while you have ‘em, and shove them out of the nest when they’ve grown too big for it!
Apu’s comment and your response to it were both very sensible:)
ooh you brave girl! I loved this statement of yours: “enjoy your kids while you have ‘em, and shove them out of the nest when they’ve grown too big for it!”
I think that’s the key!
[...] is slim to none. Where am I going with
Life outside of kids. Is that being selfish? « Sand’s Random Ramblings | April 11, 2008 | 6:03 pm[...] is slim to none. Where am I going with this train of thought? Recently came across this & this while catching up on the blogs I follow and felt that I couldn’t agree [...]
I think for working moms it becomes that much harder
Rohini | April 12, 2008 | 3:44 amI think for working moms it becomes that much harder to take that time out for just themselves and the husband… because you guilt yourself into spedning every non-working moment with the kid.
Today we are going to a friend’s house for lunch and we had a huge discussion on whether to take Ayaan. We were feeling bad about leaving him behind but then a rational reason came to our rescue - the timings would totally mess with his afternoon nap and that always spells disaster. So after three months, we are actually going to go somewhere without him.
Too right! Being a parent is one big guilt trip isn’t it? Have fun at your couple time!
:) its funny how you know who is going to
the mad momma | April 12, 2008 | 12:12 pmmy mom agrees with Dipali’s theory. And you know she is more or less fine. Its my dad who had the career and still runs his business who gets most upset when we visit and leave. makes me realise its not a gender thing and neither is it anything to do with work. its simply your nature.
Dad gets upset and mopes like a baby. wont talk to anyone, wont eat, will lie in bed and watch TV, keeps staring at the chair where the Brat sits blah blah….
@Ro: we do that all the damn time. I want to take the kids everywhere. but the OA wants a bit of time off from work and wants non-baby time too. with me its all or nothing. so i spend every waking minute with them and then when i want a break i want to leave everyone including the OA behind!! Yeah - i know - extremes only.
Ha ha! Being predictable or predicted, is so annoying, right? And you know there’s a saying in Tamil that fits you to a T? “vecha kudumi, saraicha mottai!” That’s you, totally!
Aww isn’t your dad a sweetie. You do take after him a lot, don’t you?
@mad momma: maybe it is a gender thing too for
dipali | April 12, 2008 | 5:49 pm@mad momma: maybe it is a gender thing too for men of our generation- the Sometimes Resident Engineer needs to be travelling himself when the kids leave, methinks, or else he morphs into a broody Father Hen.
As it is he’s the one who’s always calling the kids at odd hours, much to their chagrin. He’s reformed a bit now. My Majesty waits for the kids to call Me!
I’m liking this girl, er, Her Majesty, more and more!
Thank you muchly! (bows graciously)
dipali | April 14, 2008 | 3:27 pmThank you muchly! (bows graciously)
Awww. Lovely post. Great thoughts. I loved the last line
Tharini | April 14, 2008 | 10:18 pmAwww. Lovely post. Great thoughts. I loved the last line and agree with it…and want to live by it too…love you children, but not so that you cannot set them or yourself free. Nice!
Outlawed by the outlaws!!! Well it depends on how you
Lively | April 15, 2008 | 5:11 amOutlawed by the outlaws!!! Well it depends on how you feel about it. If you enjoy it, then i’d probably invite you to my parents’ home!