Chez Moi

I read this article in one of the blogs I frequent and it touched a chord in me. Mainly because I had aired the same view a few times in the past. It has got to do with parents needing to lead a life of their own, without letting their children be the “be all and end all” of everything. Or being “selfish”, as the author of the post, Melanie Lynne Hauser puts it. Why?

“Because some day, you will be sitting at home on a Saturday night watching reruns of “Flip This House” while your kids are out doing whatever they fancy because they have been selfish all along. “
…..
Kids grow up, you see. And move on. And leave you – alone.”

What do you think of that? I feel like agreeing with the point the author’s trying to make. Granted, we are all in the early stages of parenthood, with our children still in / barely out of nappies and just beginning to take small steps into becoming articulate children. Why would we want to draw away and take a few steps backwards, just when things are beginning to get interesting, just because we would be lonely and by ourselves in our dotage?

And isn’t it the point of having children? So that we could lavish love and affection on them? Isn’t it counter productive to hold yourself back and deny yourself the joy you get out of loving them completely and utterly?

Or is that the road that leads to stifling them later on? ‘Coz whether we foresee or not, our attempts to instill a bit of independence in our children invariably means that they will learn to function without us pretty soon. After all, they have to go into the big, bad world and stand on their own two feet and they cannot do that well, if they are still looking at us to steer them forwards, right?

So when do we start preparing ourselves for that eventual day, when our chicks are ready to fly the roost, as they must? Do we ignore it and face it when it comes or be prepared for it and have Plan B sorted and ready?

I have to come straight out and admit that I try to baby my son as much as possible. I adore him totally and though he is just 6, catch myself thinking “oh no, in another 11-12 years, he’d finish school, start college and move out”. What a ninny, right? I mean, whenever my husband warns me to let him be, I grandly tell him that when the time comes, I will let him go but till then, I shall hold him to me, as long as possible.

But does it work that way? I mean, can you spend the best part of 20 years living and breathing for this person you give birth to and then just step back smoothly?

I have often felt that that is the mistake most Indian mums make and which is the root cause of most MIL-DIL related issues. The mothers, especially of boys, pour so much of themselves into rearing their sons that they are unable to let go, causing untold friction after the son gets married. With a daughter, they are mentally prepared from the outset that she will leave their house to go to her marital home someday so it doesn’t hamper their love. But with a son, who is going to “be with them forever”, the expectations are entirely different. Unwilling to let go of the umbilical cord even after the son reaches adulthood is the main cause for misery.

One way to avoid this is for the parents to actually have a life on their own. To go out for movies, dinners and having friends away from the children’s life, without the children constantly in the picture, so they don’t lose the idea of imagining the pair of them as a couple in their own right, not just as parents of their children. This way, the parents can make sure that they do not become strangers to one another when the children are out, making their own way in the world and can actually connect and have a jolly good time with each other.

In all the years we have been living in the UK, my husband and I have rarely gone out without our son. We have refused to leave him with babysitters, while we go out for night out on the tiles. The first time we went out for lunch by ourselves, in a long time, was last year, when our son was away at a classmate’s birthday party. We sat facing each other, without our usual buffer, wondering what to say to each other. We found ourselves talking about our son, what he might be up to and then going gradually silent. Though we have found ourselves being irritated by our son constantly interrupting us when we try to say something to the other, words didn’t come so easily when he wasn’t interrupting us every five seconds!

I see this with my own parents who have grown so out of touch with each other, that they hardly know what to say to each other for more than a few minutes. Ever since my brother left for his studies abroad, the house has been resounding with the silence and it is heartbreaking to see them pottering about in their own different shells. My dad has built a life for himself, with his work and hobbies, whilst my mum seems to be floundering away on her own, living from one weekly phone call to another, going crazy over her dogs.

I think that is a ghastly sort of fate to condemn oneself to and a thankless prize for having raised your children and sent them off into the world.

Which is why, I say - to you and to myself - , yes, love your precious children but not so that you cannot set them - or yourselves - free.

“If you love something, set it free…”

– ancient Chinese proverb.