Chez Moi

Last Saturday, on my way to watching that crapola fest called Dhoom:2, I tripped and fell down the stairs. A combination of new tights, wrong shoes and well, me, meant as I was halfway down the steps, I took a short cut and rolled down the rest of the way. Banged my knee, cracked my shin, pulled a muscle in my arms as I battled with gravity - a whole plethora of woes, in fact. Of course, sod’s law being what it is, I had to bump into this couple we rarely ever see and there were embarrassing looks all around. Not me - I was busy trying not to scream.

Having said that, this ain’t new for me. This time, I came down rather like Ben Stiller in one of his flicks. On one previous memorable occasion, I did a Obi-wan Kenobi type of ‘plop’ and came down in a heap. That was on one of my very first dates with my new boyf and I was sure going out of my way to make sure he remembered me!

I guess you could call me a connoisseur of falls - a straight-forward trip, a more complicated twist, dodgem car-type maneuver, you name it, I’ve done it. I should stop doing it one of these days, I know. Till then, I should probably sell tickets and make some money while I was at it. Might as well make some money out of my ‘chilrai varufying’, if you get what I mean!

Never had I laughed so much in my entire life – I mean it. From start to finish, the 2.5 hours of balderdash that was Dhoom:2 kept me in stitches and only the fact that I had taken a toss a few minutes previously and banged my shin, prevented me from rolling along the aisles. What a load of utter, absolute nonsense!

I know as a general rule you are to leave your brains at home when you watch a movie but never have been treated to such an insult to my intelligence on such a lavish scale. What was going through Sanjay Gadhvi’s head when he cooked this gem up, I wonder? Something possibly along the lines, get some top Bollywood people, show more than a little flesh, throw some ‘boom, boom’ beats that sound okay when blasted through a cinema music system, shoot in some of the exotic locales of the world and never give a toss to inane things like story, plot structure… sense?

But then again, it looks like I am among the minority, considering the droves of people that were flocking to the theatre to see the movie. Or they could have been mugs like me, who read the reviews and said ‘bah-humbug’ to that and chucked £15 down the tube. And mugs like me were what the movie makers were counting on – never mind the critics who pan it, there are so many Indians around the world that even if half of them decide to check it out to see if it appealed to their better taste than that of the stupid reviewer’s, then they are laughing – all the way to the bloody bank! Which is exactly what is happening, right now, world over!

After sitting through this nonsense, I can conclude that as far as I am concerned, Abishek B comes across as the cool guy. Much has been written about his wardrobe and the fact that his costume designer had decided to take leave of his / her senses but inspite of Hrithik’s uber-cool build-up, outfits and poses, that is exactly what he struck me as – a poser. Pursed lips and flared nostrils will only take you so far and after a while of watching the camera pander to his fit body (the man didn’t need fanfares and trumpets every bloody time he put in an appearance, for chrissake!), I got seriously tired. Especially when that coupled with the ultimate of posers, Aishwarya Rai, I felt real close to throwing up.

Speaking of Ash, what’s with the attitude, woman? Like, did someone tell you, like, it will make you seem, like, uber-cool or something? Like Sunehri should get her brains, like checked? Let me tell you, Ash dear, you might have the bod, the figure to die for but you cannot carry off that attitude. That actually takes some decent acting skills, one, like, you are desperately short of.

And oh, HOW can I forget the other fit bod, Bips? Shonali and her twin, Monali? What is this? A salute to Seeta and Geeta- Why? Why??Why?

I think it was a good thing the movie finished when it did or else two things would have ensued: 1. I would have gone on a killing spree 2. I would have had an aneurysm.

Which is why I am putting this desperate plea to all of you out there: please give yourself a break, save your brain matter and stay at home. Avoid watching this movie – raking in the moolah, thanks to mugs like me who wanted to check it out, is giving Gadhvi the idea that dishing out crap like this works. So please, my desi brethren, let’s say no to crap. Save brain matter.